Rock Bottom

Without a pill to swallow, a quick fix to reduce excess pounds, or a fat shredding machine, I discovered the key to unlock the weight loss secret. No easy way exists, yet boot camp classes, community support, and consumption of real, “clean” food lead a successful path. Decades delving through diet discoveries, spending money to pay for fake food, and weight loss programs meeting and greeting the masses of unhappy, hefty humans fighting the persistent pounds, my final wakeup call arrived. Feeling desperate to heal from the hollowness of self-doubt, low self-worth, and the self-deprecating reaction to an overweight body, my search led to inward healing and a reevaluation of “real” food. Uncomfortable in my skin, wanting to eliminate my exterior from everyone’s view, and disappear and alleviate the pain of the past, I felt rock bottom beneath me.

My maximum weight leaped upward by a dozen pounds while writing my first memoir. Although my editor gave me two thumbs up for writing ability, the manuscript needed major editing for its second draft including organization, dialogue, and a reduction of 25,000 words. Beginning the editing process with hopes of completion within a few months, I stalled within weeks purely paralyzed, inactive, and dead-ended. Reacquainting, rehashing, and repeatedly revisiting my past to complete a second draft felt overwhelmingly disabling. My attention and focus diluted quickly from memoir to motherhood, volunteerism, and friendships, establishing a great distance from my writing and prevention of releasing my past into the hands of readers.

Gravity of failure weighed heavily; excess pounds plagued my inner peace, refusing their release. Depression and a downward spiral of disappointment damaged and delayed my writing career. The dangling inspiration of my book lay dying, my inner strength dissipating, and the weight, a symptom declaring my resignation, wore itself upon me, a reminder of healing in need of resolution. My extensive work to mend the broken pieces of myself lay dormant, though ready to leap forward when the healing came knocking. Yet I sat in squalor with my thoughts, numbing the emotions in need of expression. While my writing took a rest, my passion shadowed into darkness, the shining light of community volunteerism, motherhood, and fostering friendships were illuminated. From the outside, life looked favorable, while the inner healing lingered again.

One year later, the sun shining and spring awakening, I request a sign and support from anyone, anything, and any avenue, to thwart the inner pain that beckons healing. Feeling despair, depressed, and drowning just below the surface, an angel in the form of a stranger shares honestly and openly with me about her journey to shedding pounds, joining a community of like-minded souls, and eating “clean.” I take action with open arms, and engage with her supportive weight loss and fitness community. The healthy lifestyle espoused I embrace wholeheartedly. No shortcuts exist, but simple, not easy processes to strengthen my mind, body, and spirit. Connection between those searching for meaning, healing, and personal growth makes the journey welcoming, while my patience for shredding pounds increases and the journey has no official ending. Healing the shattered pieces of my inner self, returning to my passion of writing, and accessing self-love, self-acceptance, and self-respect for all that I am, supports sustainable weight maintenance long after the weight is gone, allowing a lifestyle to transpose itself into everyday living.