At forty-seven, I am reinventing myself. Not just physically, but within. I recall a high school friend flabbergasted that I felt great insecurity in my early years, as my confidence level appeared indestructible. My childhood was wrapped in a hidden homelife; I struggled terribly. Yet while at school I was considerably optimistic and happy. Escapism occupied those initial decades, like leading two lives. At seventeen I departed home quickly, discovering my inner self without the barriers, rebellion, and barrage of shame, and began to peel the layers of myself, revealing an independent, vulnerable, and lost soul, in search of meaning. Deeply damaged, I began the healing process.
Ten years later, still tossing, reeling, and spinning out of control, while yo-yo dieting, digging destructively for love through abusive relationships, I was dying inside. My walls were crumbling, the floor was made of sand, and my climbing ability weakened upon each ledge. Aching, lying upon the bottom rung of my own doing, at thirty, I had seen and felt enough pain to gather my belongings, take stock, and edge gracefully to the surface for sunlight, healing, and gentle strength increasing with each step. Whether there was guidance from above, an inkling of self awareness that enabled me, I am uncertain. Yet the depth of despair dissipated like a fog, and I empowered my existence into greater healing.
With insight, clawing for breath and driven to exhale, my recovery ascended. Ups and downs traveled like a seesaw never hitting the ground. The daily grind of regurgitating the past grew old, tiresome, and wrapped itself around me like mummified, tattered strips. Yet continuing to replay the music of my past proved helpful; it melodically healed my soul, my damaged heart, and elusively replaced itself with self-love, forgiveness, and acceptance. Introspection, analysis, and meditation, brought me closer to the self I was meant to discover and be. It played as my heart opened, softened, and strengthened, allowing life to pump through it.
Today, my past feels partially unrecognizable, comforted by transformation, healing, and peace. In the recent year, physically changing my body laminated an inner self-respect, self-love, and self-acceptance the soul requires for healing. Sanding the shattered shards from my childhood continues to heal the brokenness that pained my past. Today I celebrate the change, resulting in happiness, empowerment, and a life with meaning. Reinventing the old into the new takes process, time, and deliberate choice, faithfully knowing the power lies within. The day to reinvent your life with meaning, heal the past, and value its lessons, is present and yours for the taking, to reach the ultimate you.
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