Eight days ‘clean eating,’ I still feel afraid, as if there is not enough distance behind me. I open the refrigerator in search of anything. Without prepped food, I walk the dangerous line of grabbing anything and everything. My mind races as a package of muenster miraculously makes its way into my hand, traveling to the couch without thought, reason, or consciousness. I look down surprised to see the choice, my face scrunches in disbelief. This time saved as I return to the kitchen with my ‘whys’ leading me, removing the contraband from my clutches, and coddle my emotions inwardly, comforting me from the thwarted disaster.

“What was I thinking?” I ponder, “Why would I throw the past week away?” It makes no sense to even have picked up the unapproved item, one of the many foods that packed on the previous twenty pounds.

What is the why, the ultimate why, the definite destiny I cannot be denied? To feel comfortable in my skin, to wake in the morning feeling self-love, respect and gratitude for my sole-given body, to feel energized by the foods I have consumed, nurtured by my choices, and to feel alive again. Along this healing journey, digging and delving deep, a sense of calm overcomes me as I imagine the end result of gratifying happiness, euphoric peace, and self-love for all that I am.

This physical receptacle that holds my being is a gift I intend to hold sacred, treating it as such always. Trashing it with the unnecessary feels empty, wrong, and self-defeating. Previously I have ignored the consumption, remained oblivious and unconscious of the decisions, numbing all feelings until a bag, box, or bowl was emptied.

To feel our emotions fully is a gift; it is self-care, self-love, and self-respectful. All emotions must be felt at some level or they will find a mechanism for pushing themselves away that is hardly healthy. The time has come for the numbing agent to disappear not for the sake of change, but for the long term recovery and healing necessary to feel whole, self-secure, and happy. This road has rocks that trip me up constantly, like walking a path without soft edges, no smooth walkways, and attempting to pave it anyway. It is a bumpy avenue, one I hope will level out as I remove my fear, gain clarity and produce sustainability of nutritional success. This walkabout is long and vast, through fog-like terrain, until the sun shines, the transparency exists, and I have the knowing I always have the power to reach any potential I seek.