The monotony of failure is challenging to partake in, and considerably exhausting. Yet each day, the gauntlet is thrown down; I seize the opportunity for change. By mid day cravings lead me astray, evening washes over me in a sea of relentless self-deprecating failure, wallowing and aware of weakness within, and I glide into sleep knowing sugar tipped the scales again in its favor.

For the unaware population of this physical addiction, it would seem weak not to just do what must be done. The rest of us know and empathize with our compatriots who wiggle in this space of difficulty. You may ask why fool myself into thinking that today is different, that today is the triumph I seek, that today I am unstoppable in reaching the pinnacle and turning point, eliminating sugar forever. Is this even a reasonable expectation in a world where sugar is a highly utilized ingredient in the food supply? Yet like alcohol’s availability, an alcoholic might feel similarly. If an addiction affects your inability to function at your finest, is it not in your best interest to eliminate the ingredient causing duress and limiting your success?

Clearly the difference between these maladies exhibits food addiction on the waist, along the thighs, upon the stomach, as a double chin. And although not completely acceptable in our society, its translation is not addiction. Instead individuals act as hosts of gluttony, lack self-control and will power, walk the Earth painfully fighting against an endless tide. For many, food acts as a numbing agent, relieving pain, perhaps loneliness, boredom, and/or an emotional outlet.

Although popular usage, the ultimate purpose of food is fuel, through nutrition and a process by the body to create energy efficiently, while eliminating end products and toxins. Until I can eat with this full understanding, embracing this message, I seem a bit unprepared for life. A constant battle brews that needs peace, an end to a war that has waged its survival on my failure. I am ready to breathe fully again, feel whole, take back my power, prioritize self-care at all costs. That readiness has been shakily uncertain, beginning each day able and willing, until it is no longer by afternoon’s hour.

Have to remember my why’s, it is often said.The number of stories of falling off the wagon among the crew I respect is staggering. My inner circle of compatriots are drastically clawing to return to equilibrium, the healthy track, a successful path once again. I am not alone in this crusade. The hike to healing is long and hearty, but the lightness of being at its end is bright, joyous and peaceful. It is comforting to not go it alone, and to know the success is reachable, attainable,doable… sustainable?

Have people been successful over a few years, decades, a lifetime? Yesterday’s post, “It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit.” How many can claim a lifetime of success? The psychology of eating is vast, limited in study, and poorly utilized for success. Yet our group recognizes that this is much more than a physical journey of sugar/food addicts among us. We are an emotional, struggling, empowered group of people wanting success within our lives where past attempts have failed. The support warrants a spotlight that makes the FA (Fitness Asylum) different, but ultimately it is a solo run of actions. One must take the first, second, and further steps to act as the success she seeks.

Self-accountability, self love, self actualization, and self determination are the pinnacle of wholeness for me. The humanness, embracing my imperfections, and rising in light of those vulnerabilities are key elements for success. Within weaknesses, there are still broken shards where healing is needed. There, in the recesses of those weaknesses, there is power, like a pause at the end of a breath, a strength for lightening the darkness, illuminating a heightened awareness. When I journey with this knowing, attention, and energy, there is a powerful effect. In the end, I must heal this within myself. What brokenness led me astray from wholeness, I shall heal the heaviness of those wounds.